Joey once owned a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet.

Only for like 20 seconds though.

What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing. They fast.

A man got his house painted. 

When the painters were done they handed him the bill. 

He was surprised to find that the painters were not charging him for paint, just labor. 

He asked them, "You did a great job, why didn't you charge me for paint?"

The painter replies, "Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

Joey went to the doctor today and told him he was having problems with his hearing.

He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

Joey said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

What did Silver say to Gold at the Periodic Table reunion?

"A, U!"

Why don't you ever see a pirate cry?

When they do, it's a private tear.

It goes without saying....

An old man lies dying in 2070 surrounded by his family. 

Trying to extract some final wisdom from him and keep him company in his final days, his son asks, "What's the part of your life that sticks out to you the most, Dad?" 

He responds, "I can perfectly remember my youth. Those summer days fifty years ago seem, in my mind, to be as clear and perfect as this moment now."

His son exclaims, "Wow, fifty years! Your memory was always so impressive, even in your old age, Pop."

"But of course," says his dad, "hindsight is 2020."

Why don't we know the weight of the rarest diamond in the world?

Never mined.

What do you call an Australian that will only eat short-grain rice?

A rice-ist.

Joey was pretty scrawny, so he had to quit his job as a personal trainer.

He gave them his too weak notice.

What do you call a depressed traffic jam?

Bummer to bummer traffic.

If Spock has Vulcan ears, what does Scotty have?

Engineers.

What you you call a day old pastry?

Yesterdanish.

You matter until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you energy.