Why did the people call the man that was late a tiny ass?

Because he was a little behind.

Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit.

The other chickpea asks, "Are you okay?" 

The vomiting chickpea answers, "No, I falafel."

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
 
Short.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

What’s the opposite of irony? 

Wrinkly.

What did the pop star do when he locked himself out? 

He sang until he found the right key!

What do you call two young dogs that work in a library? 

Hush puppies.

What type of stories do ships like to read?

Ferry tales.

What does the piece of toast wear to bed?

Jammies!

What would you call a humorous joint in your leg?

Fun-ny!

A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. 

That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he really likes.

In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.

What did the light bulb say to its mother?
 
I wuv you watts and watts.

Three French legionnaires were crossing the desert.

One looked up and saw a mirage and said, "By Gar!"

The second looked up, saw the mirage, and said, "By Gar!"

The third looked up and said, "Gee, a two gar mirage."