The accountants suggested to Nero that he close down the Colosseum. 

"We're not making a drachma," they told him. 

"The lions are eating-up all the prophets."

How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
 
Moses didn’t take any animals on the ark. Noah did.

My fear of roses is a thorny issue. 

I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claustrophobia.

What do you a call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.

What kind of motorcycle does Santa drive?

A Holly Davidson.

What happened to the man who stole the Advent calendar?

He got 25 days.

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
 
A minnie van!

The teacher said, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A kid in the back throws a book out the window.

The teacher said, "Who just threw that?"

A boy replied, "Me and I’m going home now."

Why did the chicken go to the gym?
 
To work on his pecks!

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? 

Because he is a Supperhero.

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? 
 

Because he had a vowel movement.

Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?

Chick-fil-eyyyyyy.

I've just been diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

Why did the mother forbid her child to read Ivanhoe?
 
She heard it was full of Saxon violence.