Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?

 

She had mittens.

Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?

They dropped out of school.

Where was Noah when the lights went out?   

In d'ark.

Where did Mary go after the explosion?

Everywhere.

Where do otters come from?

Otter Space.

What does Batman like in his drinks?

Just ice.

Then there was the one about the constipated mathematician....

He worked his problem out with a pencil.

(It was a No. 2 pencil)

A couple had been married 60 years. Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad . I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too . . ."

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.

After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone. "Hello Sarge.”

"Yes.”

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?”

"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped.”

"Have you placed her under arrest?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet".

Why do candle trimmers work so few days per week?

They only work on wick-ends.

These two monkeys were chatting over a beer at the end of the day.

The first monkey said, "I heard you quit working for the man with the organ."

The second replied, "Yeah, every day it was the same old grind."

How does Batman's mother call him home for supper?

Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner, Batman!

This man went to his mechanic and complained that his car was always full of air bubbles and smelled like fish.

The mechanic crawled in and pulled out a guy wearing a wetsuit and a scuba mask.

"I think I've found your problem," said the mechanic. "You have a backseat diver."

What do you do with a green elephant?

Leave it on the tree to ripen.

These two ducks are swimming in a pond.

The first one looks at the other and says, "Quack, quark!"

The second duck says, "That's amazing! I was just about to say that!"