Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?" 

Dewey said, "They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question." 

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked. 

  "Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"

A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can." 

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway." 

"Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation." 

"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?" 

"Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."

How do roosters awaken? 

With an alarm cluck.

Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? 

Because she mislaid them.

Who’s the greatest underwater spy? 

James Pond.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? 

He neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)

Why was the Tibetan rooster unusual? 

Himalayan!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." 

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. 

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." 

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." 

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! 

He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." 

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."

Mabel had had a pretty hectic day with her four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, she laid down the law and gruffly said, "We're putting on your pj's, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"

The child's arms went around her neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after Mabel had been such a grouch, she thought, "She's still grateful to have me." 

She felt the tears begin to well up in her eyes, and then the four-year-old whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mommie?"

How to tell the sex of an Ant?

Place the Ant in glass of water.

If it sinks: Girl Ant.

If it floats…..

The high-school English teacher was well known for being a hard but fair grader. 

One day, Joey received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering his grade and in the spirit of the Valentine season, he sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription, "Be Mine." 

The following day, he received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still Be Mine-Us."

The young grandson called his grandpa to wish him a happy birthday. 

He asked his grandpa how old he was and was told, "62."

He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. 

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?" 

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. 

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. 

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" 

"Yes!" shouts the woman. "Just where were you on my wedding day!"