What do you call a pig with three eyes? 

A piiig.

What's red and bad for your teeth? 

A brick.

Why couldn't the flower ride a bike? 

The pedals fell off!

An instructor sat down with a new client at the gym to review her application.

For the question, “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman had written “Horrendous eating habits.”

“What makes you say that?” the instructor asked.

The woman replied, “I can’t spell atrocious.”

His father sends a small boy to bed. 

Five minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" 

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" 

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later....

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......

"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Why couldn't the viper viper nose?

Coz the adder adder 'ankerchief.

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked, "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. 

The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again, "Mother?" she sweetly asked.

"Yes?" Her mother replied. 

"Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. 

To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." 

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" 

"Great!" said the teacher, "what were they saying?" 

"I don't know," the boy replied, "I couldn't understand them."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter.

"Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

"How can you tell males and females apart?" she asked.

He responded, "Three were on a beer can. Two were on the phone."

A friend of mine tried to build a gear-box for his car using nothing but dried grass.

It was never going to work; I think he was clutching at straws.

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

What's green, black, white, black, and green?

A pickle Oreo sandwich!

Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife?

It was in the newspaper, in the current affairs section.