A group of astronauts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronauts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad. After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? 

One, but he needs to give it a good twist at the end.

Dr. Watson arrives at 221B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front in an overall, applying a pale yellow gloss to the front door.

"Holmes, why yellow?" cries the stupefied Watson.

"A lemon entry, my dear Watson."

A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano."

Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" 

Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. 

"First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

On her 40th birthday a wife waltzed out of the bedroom dressed in an old outfit that she dug out of the back of the closet. 

"I wore this on my 30th birthday! I guess that means my wardrobe is ten years old," she said to her husband, hoping he'd take the hint and buy her some new clothes as a present. 

"Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were 30 you had the body of a 40-year-old." 

(He is expected to be discharged from the hospital next week but he will always walk with a limp).

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. 

His response was, "Yes, Sir!" 

Since he was talking to his mother, she was surprised he'd called her "Sir". 

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. 

To quiz him on this lesson she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" 

"Yes Sir!" was the reply. 

"Then what would you say to Mama?" 

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?" 

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

The 5-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for his uncle's golf game. 

"You have to count my strokes," his uncle told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"

"Five." answered the nephew. 

"Okay," the uncle said, "let's go."

An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" 

She didn't answer. 

He walked up closer and asked again. 

But there was no answer. 

Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "For the third time, yes!!!"

What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?

One howls on the prairie; the other prowls on the hairy.

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? 

She's got that down in the mouth look!

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. 

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." 

The son pointed out, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?

The purrpatrator.

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. 

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. 

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."