Morris had been playing golf for years and he had the finest golfing equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. 

"Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. 

"Sadness," he replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student. 

"Elation," he replied. 

"The opposite of woe?" the professor asked a young woman from Texas. 

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

Why did the donut seller retire?

He was fed up with the hole business.

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood. 

The dispatcher asks, "Well, lady how do we get there?"

Confused she replies, "Don't you still have those big red fire trucks?"

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the waitress walks in the door. 

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash." 

"What did you do?" asks the bartender. 

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!" 

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back. 

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?" 

"I did," admitted the youngster. 

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?" 

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
 
Because he was on a roll.

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word `marriage.'" 

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

What did the hamburger name his daughter?

Patty.

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. 

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" 

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

A young polar bear asks his father, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father bear responds, "Well, son, I am all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your grandparents, even your great grandparents are 100% polar bear. So yes, son, you are 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?"

The young polar bear replies "Because I am really cold."

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodations so they produce photos of their 45 foot-long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.

"We've employed an Oxford professor who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and IT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as he fits in the cannon".

One morning Tom was called to pick up his son at the school nurse's office. When he walked through the main entrance, he noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" he asked her. 

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. 

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay...."

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."