A band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he left, they could all go home. 

"It's up to you," he answered. "I'm just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."

Frank was a happily married man who had only one complaint: His wife, Myra, was always nursing sick birds. 

One cold November evening he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin tablet, while in the kitchen Myra was comforting a shivering wren. 

Frank dropped his briefcase and strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "Myra!" he shouted. "I can't take it anymore! We've got to get rid of all of these da..." 

Myra held up her hand and and cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said. "Not in front of the chilled wren!"

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight." 

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." 

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? 

"No, this is 322-1374." 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." 

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

In the backwoods of Tennessee, the man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The backwoods man scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light what's attractin' 'em?"

The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break. 

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied. 

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?" 

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."

A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back. 

At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbor Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the bannister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. 

The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. 

"It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him. 

 
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" 

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

At 3:00 AM, a young wife shook her husband awake.

 
Groggily he asked "What is it?" 

"The baby," she reminded him. 

The husband sat up and listened intently. 

"But I don't hear her crying," he protested. 

"I know, and it's your turn to see why not!"

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.

"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds - and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. 

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." 

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. 

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

At the supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop. 

Finally, she blurted out, "I don't want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!" 

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother's dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. 

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked. 

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. 

"Could I have a pint of ale?" 

"No!" she shouted. 

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

  "No!" she shouted again. 

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" 

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

  "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. 

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... 

I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... 

I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." 

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." 

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"