What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

It's pasture bedtime.

I think my friend is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick peas, black-eyed peas, english peas, and crowder peas. Then he just sits there and looks at them. 

When I asked him why, he said he that was just minding his peas in queues.

I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and selling Cliff Notes. 

One day I asked him where he got the idea and he said, "Well, to make a long story short...."

A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his behind. He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the coins.

"Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your bowel."

  

"Hmmm", replies the patient, "That would explain why I've not been feeling too grand..."

Why is an ink blotter like a lazy baby dog? 

A blotter is an ink lined plane, an inclined plane is a slope up, and a slow pup is a lazy baby dog.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

The cruise director was the sire of many offspring borne by the members of his entertainment staff. 

He was a man who bred his cast upon the waters.

How do robins get in shape? 

They do worm-ups.

Why are birds so unhappy in the morning? 

Because their bills are over dew.

Once when I was shopping around for a car, a salesman said, "You look like the kind of guy who'd want the AM/FM radio with removable face plate, the trunk-mounted CD player, with 8 speakers and remote control." 

I hate being stereotyped.

What's the difference between a lashing monster and a leaky cart? 

A lashing monster serpent is a whipping dragon while a leaky cart is a dripping wagon.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. 

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

What do you call a small stringed instrument that eats all your food and charges by the hour? 

A baby sitar.

What's the difference between a jumping sorcerer and a crying reptile?

A jumping sorcerer is a leaping wizard while a crying reptile is a weeping lizard.

Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” 

She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”

“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”

“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”