How do bees make money?  

They cell their honey!

Why do birds hold one of their legs up when they're sleeping?

Because if they hold both of their legs up, they'll fall.

I was watching the national hairstylist championships on cable last night.

Apparently they ran out of time for the live coverage.

But it's no big deal, I can watch the highlights later. 

Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.

Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. 

No sooner had Dracula turned than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.

Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"

To which the dark stranger announced....I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer."

What children's story does a man vocally expressing his relief while urinating remind one of?

The Whizzer of Aaahs.

What do zombies do? 

Zombies make honey; others just buzz and sting.

Where do dumb aliens go? 

Area 52.

A young couple invited their elderly pastor over for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard dad say to mom, 'Today is just as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. 

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. 

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." 

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

What do bees do if they don't want to drive?

Wait at the buzz stop.

What kind of fence goes on strike?

A picket fence.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." 

"No problem, just let me in," says the man. 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." 

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I’m sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. 

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning....today you voted."

What did Godzilla say after he ate a four-cylinder automobile? 

"Gosh, I could have had a V-8!"

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.

“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?” 

“Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?”

“July seventh.” 

 “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” 

“Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.”

“And he won!” Peter sighed.

“No. He came in seventh.”

Colonel Sanders estate is donating money for a hospital to be built in his home town. 

It won't have a main building. 

It will consist entirely of wings.