A man walks into a pub and he asks the barman for a pint. 

All of a sudden he notices Vincent Van Gogh over the other side of the bar. 

The man asks, "Do you wanna pint, mate?" and Van Gogh says, "No thanks, I've got one ear!"

A boy had reached four years old without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." 

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. 

The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?” 

The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". 

The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "Which way?"

There was this guy sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the man sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" 

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."

"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"

"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"

"Get out! I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." 

"Where'd you go to college?"

"Beloit, in Wisconsin."

"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"

"Kevin Sullivan dorm."

"Sullivan dorm? You're not going to believe this . . ."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as I did, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."

A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" 

Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

Two would-be fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish. 

“We should mark the spot,” he said. 

The other man drew a large X in the bottom of the boat with a black marker.

“That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out we may not get the same boat.”

What would happen if you have a wooden car, with wooden wheels, a wooden chair, and a wooden engine?

It wooden start!

The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. 

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." 

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. 

"No I did not," the doctor said. 

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." 

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

If a one L-ama is a Tibetan monk (Lama) and a two L-ama is a South American pack animal (Llama), what is a three L-ama?

A really big fire.

A new and inexperienced waitress tells another waitress she is concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.

The other waitress explains that tray stands are placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner serves all her lunches successfully, and afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything has been all right.

"It was fine, dear," replies the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. 

The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Why did the pony have to stay after school?

Because he was horsing around.

Where does Scrooge go to in New York City?

The Grumpire State Building.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. It was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters.

Joan says, "My daughter is at the university. She’s very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary."

Her neighbor says, "You're lucky. Every time we hear from our daughter, we have to go to the bank."