These two monkeys were discussing evolution.

One said to the other, "You mean to tell me that I really am my keeper's brother?"

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. 

The surgeon said, "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." 

The engineer replied, "Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." 

The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created chaos?"

What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

"Cheap, cheap!"

What do you call counterfeit German currency?

Question marks.

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. 

One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. 

The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

An impressionable New England college girl fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. 

She wrote her parents that she had put the heart before the course.

A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look.” 

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“Why? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. 

 

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

What language do telescope and binocular makers speak? 

Farsi.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Arfur.

Arfur who?

Arfur got!

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. 

Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?”  

Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” 

So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” 

Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

Dodge City was a pretty rough town, nevertheless, they had an excellent little theatre group. One time they planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.

On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus. Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call down to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening.

Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry and someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to see to it, so he went to the station and sat down. When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help. Butch replied, "Thanks, I'm just waiting for the tutu train."

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 

The poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." 

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. 

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get angry about it."