Why did the baker rob the bank?

He needed the dough.

A guy says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy."

The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

The guy says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three."

What's the opposite of a somersault?

A winter pepper.

What kind of spy hangs out in department stores?

A counter spy

How does a wizard keep his potions safe from burglary?

With a warlock.

Why does Moby Dick spell his name 'Mby'? 

Because he is a creature of the O shun.

Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?

He wanted to see how long he slept.

What happens when a T-Rex bites you?

You get a dino-sore.

What did one mountain say to the other mountain after the earthquake?

It's not my fault.

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for a bad summer.

A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. 

He was sporting a huge black eye. 

When asked if he had run into a door, he replied that the beauty of the place had struck him.

I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with the devil. 

He promised that if I ever go bald, he'll make it grow back. 

So now I have adopted a devil make hair attitude, even though I know that.someday there'll be Hell toupee.

Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk?

He wanted to work overtime.

All but two of the dancers were in costume early for the matinee performance. 

At 1:55, the distressed director asked this pair of women why they were not yet in costume. 

The first one said, "It may seem like a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58." 

"What about you, the same thing?" he asked the other dancer. 

She replied, "Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!"

When should you charge a battery?

When you can't pay cash.