Why didn't the dog speak to its foot?

Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw.

How do cats end a fight?

They hiss and make up.

What do you get what you cross a prostitute with an elephant? 

A 3/4 ton pickup.

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

 

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. 

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... no." 

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off.

"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?" 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!" 

Joe walked into his dad’s study while his dad was working on the computer.

“Dad,” said Joe, “Remember when you told me you’d give me 50 dollars if I passed my math test?”

His dad nodded.

“Well, the good news is that I just saved you 50 bucks.”

If you sue a urologist, what kind of trial would he probably request? 

A jury of your pee-ers.

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. 

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" 

 "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" 

 "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." 

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." 

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. 

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" 

 "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." 

"Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?" 

 He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?" 

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." 

She replies, "Well Honey, you know you can't do both."

What should you do if a girl sits on your hand? 

Try to get her off.

Where did the first corn come from?

The stalk brought it.

What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?

Lots. 
 

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

 

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

What do electric train sets and women's breasts have in common?

They were both originally intended for children but it's the fathers that play with them.