Then there was the joke about the cannibal schoolboy who got suspended....

He was trying to butter up his teacher.

What do you call a bunch of pigs running directly towards you?

A ham-pede.

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I certainly do appreciate your help."

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

“You know, Harvey,” she comments. “I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons and…my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!” She turns to face her husband and says, “Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself.”

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well…your eyesight’s still good.”

(Harvey will be getting out of the hospital next week.)

In a recent survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin, and the other five per cent said they didn’t really care — they would have married him anyway.

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow.

"And just how do those symbolize Christmas?" he asked.

The man replied, "They're Carols."

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Anywhere else it would have been a teethbrush.

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well, that’s great, just great…..Some asshole’s got my pen.”

Why did the watch go on vacation?

To unwind.

Who invented fractions?

Henry the Eighth.

Which ocean won the race?

Neither, they tide.

A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her husband's cell phone and demanded: "Where ARE you"???

Her husband responds by saying: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace that you totally fell in love with, and remember how I told you I didn't have much money at the time but said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile in her voice, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the tavern next to that place."

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.