Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?

Because they couldn't spell.

A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I need your help. My husband thinks he is a refrigerator."

"That's not so bad," the doctor said, "it's a harmless complex."

"Maybe so," said the woman, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and it
keeps me awake."

A young man visited his friend’s home at dinner time. Upstairs the kids were yelling and screaming. The young man commented “It sounds like a den of iniquity up there.”

Replied the father, “Oh no, that’s just the kids dividing up a pizza. It’s more like a din of inequity.”

Speaking of fish, did you know that ancient fishing villages bartered with fish instead of money?

They were the first to use credit cods.

Why wouldn't they let the stink bug into the movies?

He only had one scent and it wasn't enough.

At a party an elderly lady was bemoaning the behavior of the youth of today.

"Look at the girl over there," she complained. "I don't know what young girls are coming to! She's wearing boy's jeans, a boy's shirt, and that haircut is so boyish – you wouldn't know she was a girl at all, would you?"

"Well, as it happens, I would," came the reply, "because she is my daughter."

"Oh dear," said the old lady embarrassed, "I'm so sorry – I didn't know you were her father."

"I'm not, I'm her mother."

Once upon a time, a particularly large tornado picked up the contents of a fish pond and some houses, and carried them all away. Also as it happens, one of the creatures that was carried away was a common pond toad. He flew through the air for several hours, a trip which only came to an end when he fell, plop, into a gallon of yellow paint.

The toad crawled out and tried to clean himself up. The paint all came off except for that on his private parts, and that seemed to be a permanent addition. Disaster! The paint would lead to the demise of the love life of any self-respecting toad, so it had to come off.

Seeking help, he turned to a local witch, Glinda the Good. By now, you know we are in the Land of Oz, of course, and Glinda indicated that the toad must travel to see the Wizard, since only one so powerful could be expected to help. Glinda gave very explicit, detailed directions to the toad, and away he hopped to find the Wizard.

Immediately thereafter, a little girl and her dog came to see Glinda. They wanted to go home back to Kansas. Immediately afterward came a scarecrow seeking adequate cerebral function, a lion seeking intestinal fortitude, and a metallic man wanting a cardiovascular system. The nearest thing to the needed travel agent and transplant physician was the Wizard, of course.

By now, Glinda was becoming exasperated with all the unexpected traffic and questions. Instead of giving individual directions, she instructed all the people who came to question her in these words that soon became world famous, “Follow the yellow-dick toad!”

What do you get when you mix holy water with Ex-Lax?

A religious movement.

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

A man was laying new carpeting his living room. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette. Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead, he took his hammer, and he pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen. A few minutes later his wife came into the room and handed him his cigarettes.

"I found them in the kitchen," she told him. "Now if I can just find our pet hamster."

What do you call a fish with legs?

A two-knee fish.

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. “Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”

“Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”

“What happened?”

“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”

“How about you?”

“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

After living in the Kentucky mountains all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with."

Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be called baygulls.