Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."

What do you call a dog that throws up in the house?

Homesick.

Once, in ancient times, there were two neighboring kingdoms who had, since Time Immemorial, continued a border war.

No one could be found in either the Kingdom of Tar or the Kingdom of Ory to tell why the war continued, or why it had begun in the first place, except to say that the two kingdoms were implacable enemies. In the spring of one year, both kingdoms had much more rain than usual. Day after day of rain saturated the farm lands of both Tar and Ory, and an enormous crop of weeds sprang up, hindering the spring planting and threatening both kingdoms with starvation. Something had to be done. Emissaries were sent to arrange a truce between the two kingdoms so that the soldiers could help with ridding the fields of each kingdom of the plague of weeds.

The truce went so well that the emissaries agreed that the soldiers of each country would help the other get rid of their weeds. Suddenly the thoughts of war were over for the first time in living memory, the weeds were destroyed, and the two kings held a great celebration in which their peoples found out they rather liked each other, after all.

So, replacing the tradition of war between the two kings, the great Spring celebration was held every year, thereafter, and the Kings became known as The Weed-free Kings of Ory and Tar.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Who is the beloved children's storybook author of ancient Greek times?

Dr. Zeus.

The hippie couple was somewhat distressed that their son didn't also turn out to be a flower child.

"Some daisy disappoints us, but he's still orchid, and we love him."

When was baseball first played in the Bible?

In the big inning.

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

It is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe.

**Voice from the back** “How severe was it?”

It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation?

“We all live in a Jello-Tub, Marine.”

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”

The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”

Once upon a time there dwelt in Fairy Land, a particularly beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had, protruding from his navel, a silver screw.

Verily, he could conceal it by adjustment of doublet and hose, yet it did sorely trouble him, so that each day he would go into the deep dark woods and sit in a glade, staring sadly at the silver screw.

Then one day an old crone came through the woods carrying a bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his clothing to conceal his shame and said to her, ‘Old crone, that bundle is too heavy for you to carry. Let me lift thy burden.’

The crone was grateful and took him through the woods to her gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she was, in fact, a witch. ‘But you have been so kind to me that I will grant you a wish.’

The youth didn’t need to consider the wish for a moment. ‘Please, please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.’

The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and to climb to a rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens using a magic spell that she provided. The youth followed her instructions and, struggling through the cruel and stinging woods, came to the ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens using the crone’s magic spell.

Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber clouds appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a sound like angels singing. And from the black clouds came a great shaft of light that focused on him. And down that shaft of light came a giant golden screwdriver.

As the singing reached a crescendo, the screwdriver reached the silver screw, fitting into the groove on its head. The giant golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice, then retreated up the shaft of light which in turn disappeared, as did the dark boiling clouds and celestial chorus.

The young man looked down at the silver screw and tentatively touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was loose! So he turned the screw once, twice, thrice! And his butt fell off.

What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-na....

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.

Hans ran inside to get help, yelling, "Mom, Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"

There was a certain town famous for its marketplace that had been set up in a riverbed after the river had been dammed. The market specialized in the valuable gemstones that could be found in the levee by the few who knew where to look. It was a challenge to dig them out of the dam, but it provided a good living.

Saul, being inexperienced, wanted to gather all the stones at once and sell them in one huge batch. Paul, being older and wiser, said, “You don’t want to dig out all the stones at one time. You’ll flood the market.”