One day, the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.

She read, "... and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!'"

The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said, "Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"

Once upon a time, Joe was working in the coal mines. He would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready to come home. He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down then up.

One day while he was at the coal face, he swung his pick ax and the point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years younger. He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20 or 25 years younger than they really were?

Seems it was only a miner miracle.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for “Si,” and twice for “No.”

After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He, thereby, became the first "Si" and "Aye" dog.

What did the cabbage preacher say to his congregation?

"Lettuce pray."

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He asked the laughing missionary, "What is wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"

What's a cat's favorite color?

Purrrple.

A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car.

He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.

After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot's room and says, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

"Give me the good news first, doc."

The doctor says, "The good news is you're gonna live."

"And the bad news?" asks the carrot.

"The bad news is you're gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Cows say.

Cows say who?

No, silly, cows say moo!

What's red and not there?

No tomatoes.

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch"

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one." Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought. ... "I Just Love Baskin Robins."

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to curse?

Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo".

A minister developed quite a reputation for his sermons so much so that every member of the community came to every service. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's birthday; but he didn't want to miss the minister's sermon. So he decided to hire a stand-in to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

The other congregates saw what was going on, and they decided to hire their own stand-in guys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to church. Within a few weeks time there were 500 stand-ins in the congregation sitting in church taping the minister.

The minister got wise to this. The following Sunday, he, too, hired a stand in who brought a tape recorder to play the minister's pre-recorded sermon to the 500 stand-ins in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.

Witnesses said that this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.

What happened to the wind?

It blew away.

A huge college freshman decided he'd try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."