What alcoholic beverage made from grapes do pigs like to drink?

Swine coolers.

What's the difference between a chess player and a thief?

One watches pawns; the other pawns watches.

What time is it when the kids need a nap?

Whine o'clock.

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

“Astonishing!” the truck driver said to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?”

The crew chief said, “Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.”

What do you call a cow that enters your yard and eats your grass?

A lawn moooooer.

Jane lived in Hollywood, California, and Julie lived in Miami, Florida. They both could afford to have their hair done by Pierre in St. Louis.

One day they both decided to have their hair done. They both called Pierre but he told them that he had only one spot left and that whoever would get there first could have it.

Jane hopped into her private jet and Julie hopped into her own helicopter. Jane had to emergency land in Denver, but Julie made it to St. Louis for her hair appointment.

The moral of the story is, the whirlybird gets the perm.

What did Paul Revere say when his ride was over?

Whoa!

Where were English kings usually crowned?

On the head.

What kind of shoes do baby cowboys wear?

Cowboy booties.

How are baseball and pancakes alike?

They both depend on the batter.

A young man fell in love with a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later, excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month.

The witch told him, …”Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from a coven, and pills buried says it best.”

Who has the easiest job in the world?

Candlemakers - they only work on wick ends.

Who calculates how many meals are served in the cafeteria?

The lunch counter.

When is coffee like a bear?

When it's a bruin.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."