Weevils

There were once two weevils living in the country together. One day, they were talking about life, and decided to do something about their miserable existences. So they made a bet: they would return in a year's time, and compare who'd made a better life for himself.

A year passed. They returned. One had become a legal aid, working in the insect courts of England (as an earwig). The other was still flipping dung-balls at Mc(Farmer)Donalds. The second, obviously having lost the bet, was from then known on as The Lesser Of Two Weevils. #lamejoke

Slalom

One of the contenders I saw at the recent Winter Olympics was an Eskimo who competed in the downhill slalom. The trouble was that he just kept getting in the way of the other skiers. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but then I realized he was just an obstacle Aleutian. #lamejoke

Prestidigitation

A member of a seventeenth century French military unit used to entertain the troops by performing slight of hand tricks and other feats of prestidigitation. His grand finale was to make himself disappear in a cloud of vapor. This caused one of his compatriots to exclaim, "Amazing! . . . There he goes, puff, the magic dragoon!" #lamejoke  

Quickie

Joey asked a waitress for a quickie today. Turns out that's not how to say quiche, and boy oh boy, was he left with egg on his face. #lamejoke 

Clown

A clown is accosted by a mugger in a dark alley. "Hand over your wallet!" snarls the mugger, "and don't try anything funny." #lamejoke

Tesla

I know why Tesla cars are expensive. They charge a lot. #lamejoke 

Kleenex

The workers at the Kleenex factory are going out on strike. Thousands will picket. #lamejoke

Thunk

What goes ha, ha, ha, ha, thunk? A man laughing his head off. #lamejoke

Squeak

What goes snap, crackle, squeak? Mice crispies. #lamejoke

Murder

A woman suspected of murdering her husband just dumped a bag of flour into his grave. The plot thickens... #lamejoke 

Catacomb

My wife asked what a catacomb is. I told her it’s an old Italian invention for getting knots out of cat fur. She didn't laugh. She wasn't feline funny. #lamejoke 

Similies

Similies. What are they like? #lamejoke

Cat

What a cat says when it gets hurt? Me owww. #lamejoke

Panda

What you call a naked panda? A bare. #lamejoke 

Silence

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious. #lamejoke