Sticks

Sticks float. They would. #lamejoke

Chance Meeting

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to talk to him, with the aim of asking him out.

So she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab a coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure, but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," says the woman. "A couple of things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can hardly believe it, and says "I saw them play Cleveland in 1999! It was the first concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other's houses, but we snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!"

Naturally, the man and woman are both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in college and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback. "Get out of here! I was an English major in college! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain!"

They both can't believe it. This has to be a match made in heaven.

"Well buckle up," the woman says, "because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm that had some plum trees. Every year he'd dry some plums for our annual family Thanksgiving, because he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes. I love prunes, you're eating a prune, so this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date." #lamejoke

Soup

I made a soup using only ingredients from the atmosphere. It was a broth of fresh air. #lamejoke

Font

Popular fonts? Arial gets a good reception. #lamejoke

Globe

I recently bumped into the guy who sold me my antique globe years ago. It’s a small world, isn’t it? #lamejoke

Music

I've started writing music about sewing machines. Always wanted to be a singer/songwriter. #lamejoke

Kabobs

There was a study done on how often people make kabobs. But they had to start over because the results were skewed. #lamejoke

Chins

Met 20 people today but only 10 of them had chins. Sounds like a ten chin deficit, doesn’t it? #lamejoke

Good

If only there were a way to say really good in one word, that would be great! #lamejoke

Lost

Two men are lost in the desert, and are desperate for water.

Knowing they are just hours away from certain death, they see a group of three tents in the distance. They stagger towards the tents, realizing that this may be their last hope.

Entering the first tent, they see an Arab trader, and the first man gasps: "Water, water...!"

The trader replies, "I'm sorry my friend, I've only got mixed fruit here."

"What?! Mixed fruit?" says the thirsty man.

"Yeah, just mixed fruit, sorry," replies the trader. "Try next door."

The men enter the next tent, and again the first man gasps: "Water, water...!"

The trader inside replies, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've only got jelly."

"What? I don't believe this," says the man.

"Yeah, just loads of jelly. There might be water in the last tent, you could try there," suggests the trader.

Reaching the last tent they crawl in. "Water, water...!" gasps the first man.

The trader, immediately looks apologetic, and says, "I'm sorry, I've only got custard here."

The thirsty men are now distraught. "Forget you and your tents," says the first man. "That was totally useless!"

Together with his friend, he staggers back into the desert.

A little later, the first man turns to his friend and says, "Back there with the tents, that was a bit weird wasn't it?"

"Yes," says his companion, "it was a trifle bazaar." #lamejoke

Sprinter

Joey didn’t get the joke about the sprinter who was racing in the 100 yard dash and accidentally inhaled a bug. Apparently it’s a running gag. #lamejoke

Mom

I saw my mom upside down today. I was like “wow”. #lamejoke

Beetle

A dung beetle walks into a bar. "Is this stool taken?" #lamejoke

Apple

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away or is it one of Granny’s myths? #lamejoke 

Air

I invented a thought controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it. #lamejoke