When did the pregnant bed bug give birth? 

In the spring.

What do you call a helpful female sibling? 

Assister.

What do you call omnipotent Earl Grey? 

Almighty.

What's the opposite of progress? 

Congress.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. 

Can you believe that! 2:30 am! 

Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear. 

The doctor says, "That looks nasty." 

The woman replies, "It's just the tip of the iceberg."

What's a pirate's favorite cookie? 

Ships ahoy.

What do toilet paper and numbers have in common? 

Both can be multiplied.

Bunch of old age pensioners protesting outside the hospital yesterday....

What do we want?

Free hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Free hearing aids!

What's brown and sounds like a bell? 

DUUUNNGGGGGGGG!

What did the body builder get for losing all his muscle? 

A trophy.

How do you create light by using water?

Clean the windows!

Imagine a civilization made up of only bedroom furniture -  bed frames, nightstands, drawers etc. 

One day, this beautiful dresser fell down and couldn't get up. "Help help help!" the dresser cried. 

Then suddenly, this mysterious, strong piece of furniture came to her and helped her up. 

She said, "Thank you! You are my knight in shining armoire."

Why didn't the gardener plant any flowers? 

Because she hadn't botany.

What was on the floor in the snake's bathroom? 

Rep tile, of course.