Why did the geologist go home early from work? 

Because he felsic.

What do you call a dirty window on the back side of a house? 

A pane in the rear to clean.

What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe? 

That's mitosis.

What is the world's biggest winged insect? 

The Behemoth.

What did the frat guy say when the other frat guy asked if he wanted a pamphlet? 

Brochure.

What do you call the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figure? 

The Toyminator.

What did the banana car do when the traffic signal turned green?

It peeled out.

What did one sponge say to the other sponge? 

Nothing. They were two aloofa.

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.

In its place, was a silver screw.

All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... he was screwed.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him.

He avoided ever leaving his house.... and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.

He was thrilled.

The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.

The swami knew exactly why he had come.

The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery....and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver.

In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him.

Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.

The moral to this story is: "Don't screw around with things you don't understand........you could lose your ass."

What do you call an evil man with two belly buttons? 

Di-umbilical.

How does Davy Crockett like his pie? 

Alamoed.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? 

Because he had a very large bill.

What do New Englanders call a crate full of dentures? 

A mass of chew sets.

It's a little known fact that Aaron Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack. 

His name was Tim.

What do you call an Egyptian back doctor?

A Cairopractor.