I got to have lunch with the world chess champion recently. 

It took him twenty minutes to pass the salt though. 

And he didn't pick up the check, mate,

What did one depressed rabbit say to the other?

Do you even carrot all?

What did the film teacher tell his students? 

You need to focus.

Joey took his grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. 

He said that it was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

What did the cannibal order at the Chinese restaurant? 

Chow man.

How do flamenco dancers catch fish? 

They castanet!

What do you call a flower's offspring? 

An orkid.

What did the father squirrel tell his son? 

Acorny joke.

A giant light bulb walks into a bar. 

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! What's the big idea?"

Why was the pirate such a good boxer? 

He had a great right hook.

A cosmetic company has finally discovered the leading cause of dry skin. 

It's towels.

How do trains eat?

They chew chew.

Joey's wife was complaining that he didn't listen to her anymore. 

Joey replied, "No thanks, I've just had one."

Why do basic white girls make terrible math tutors? 

Because they literally can't even.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. 

A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair…then sliding a little more... until he was almost under the table. The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice! 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead. 

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am. But I think your husband just slid under the table." 

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."