Where do cavemen store their weapons?

In the clubhouse.

"I only eat billiard balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." 

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You’re not getting enough greens."

We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. 

"They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey." 

"So what you’re saying is," he concluded, "they won’t let the Kurds have their way?"

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg"?

Because every play needs a cast.

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

And now, for a little bathroom humor....

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It fell into the crack.

What did the scary panda say?

Bam! Boo!

Two drugs were in love.

One drug looks over at the other drug and says, "I love you babe. Marriage, you wanna?"

How do you get Mexican food at the beach?

Dig your feet into the sand, then you'll have buried toes.

How did the owls get away with the heist in Machu Picchu?

They were Inca hoots.

I told my wife a joke about women and "that time of the month".

She didn't laugh. 

She told me menstruation jokes are never funny. 

Period.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Who is the patron saint of emails?

St. Francis of a CC.

Three spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!" 

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side. 

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind. 

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His two friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital. 

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears. 

"Well, I have good news and I have bad news," he said. 

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

What skill does a herb farmer need to perfect?

Thyme management.