What do you call a bear without an ear?

A b.

How do mermaids give birth?

They have sea-sections.

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical conditioning.

Why didn't Sherlock Holmes want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?

Because it was more ER tea.

What do residents of the Shire use for birth control?

Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.

What's the least expensive pet to keep?

Birds - they're the cheepest.

Why was the bird optimistic?

Because it was a pelican, not a pelican't.

What advice do you give to a rock that dating?

You need to be a little boulder.

What's the difference between an Mel Gibson movie and a pizza? 

 

Pizzas are good.

What's the temperature inside a bee hive?

S'warm.

What has a tongue and sneezes a lot?

A shoe.

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot?

Because they’re both cauldron.

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

Tenants.

What do you call a taco in a snow storm?

A burrrrito.

Why was the scientist so interested in the fossilized mint plant? 

Because it was an ex-spearmint.