What did the boy boat say to the girl boat? 

“Are you up for a little row-mance?”

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

What do you call keys born on the same day?

Twinkies!

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Ten ants.

Today I got in touch with my inner self….

That’s the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”

He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?

Just give it time.

What did the chocolate bar do when it heard a good joke?

It snickered.

How do you identify a dogwood tree?

By its bark.

What do you call a chicken from outer space?

An egg-straterrestrial!

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said, "Thank you."

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

Today, I beat a black belt at karate.

My next opponent is a green sock.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big a spider is, no one steals my shoe.