What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said, "Thank you."

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

Today, I beat a black belt at karate.

My next opponent is a green sock.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big a spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Joey's wife told him she was leaving him because she couldn’t live with him always making stupid Star Wars puns

Divorce is strong with this one….

What do you call a person without a son?

Per.

A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant.

The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer.

The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?”

The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”

I was leafing through the local newspaper and came across a Help Wanted ad saying "ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000".

So I called them up and said, "The answer is negative $5,000."

What is a dumbwaiter?

One who asks if the kids care to order dessert.

Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?

‘Scurvy.

What do you call an igloo without a toilet?

An ig.

I have ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. 

I'll let you know!

Joey said that he's going to set a new standard in pubs by opening one on the top of a mountain.

I still think he's raised the bar too high...

Then there was the one about the guy who sued Starbucks because he ran out of coffee.

The court dismissed the case. The judge said the guy had no grounds.

Why did the orange stop? 

Because it ran out of juice.