What do elves learn in school? 

The elf-abet.

What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent? 

Show me the honey!

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?

 “Odor in the court!”

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
 
Plymouth Rock.

Why did the chicken go to the 
séance?
 
To get to the other side.

What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day?
 
He turns over a new leaf.

Many years ago, a guy named Joe worked in the coal mines. He would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready to come home. He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down then up. 

One day whilst he was at the coal face he swung his pick ax and the point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years younger. 

He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20 or 25 years younger than they really were? 

They finally figured that it was only a miner miracle.

My friend Mills was complaining that his burro, named Hotey, was so frail that a gentle breeze would make him lean over. 

I said, "I've already heard about a donkey Hotey tilting at wind, Mills."

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime. 

Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"

Boy: "I'm sorry your honor."

Judge: "I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately."

Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap."

Judge: "Consider yourself lucky, it could have been life boy!"

An aquatic, seaweed-eating mammal named Hugh began swimming very close to a man's waterfront property. 

The man tried to get rid of the creature by clubbing it, but he was arrested. 

In court, the man's lawyer argued that assault against a marine mammal is not an offense. 

The judge disagreed, however, stating, "This is a crime against Hugh manatee."

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? 
 
Hailing taxis!

"Grandpa, how come part of your mustache is red?" 

"That's because I just had a bowl of tomato soup. It's not easy eating soup with a mustache, you know. In fact it's quite a strain."

A somewhat overweight woman walked out of a hypnotist's office with the man lying on the floor holding his head and with a black eye. 

The woman was heard muttering,   "The nerve! Telling me my eyelids are getting heavy."

Although it's the all-time "blessed seller,” procuring a decent copy of "The Good Book" can be fairly expensive. 

That means it is not wholly buyable.