Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
 
The girl necks door!

John and Jennifer left the fertility clinic with Jennifer in tears. They were just told that she could not become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. 

They were on their way home when suddenly a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. 

"Why are you masked?" John asked. 

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal," the masked man answered. "Go to the address on this card," he instructed the couple. "The doctor will take a scraping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have a baby for you." 

"This is the answer to our prayers!" Jennifer excitedly exclaimed. She then turned to thank the stranger, but he was gone. 

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. 

John answered, "That was the Clone Arranger."

Why is a proctologist like a magician? 

They are both masters of deceit.

What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
 
Look at the orange mama laid.

How do you share 355 cherries among 113 people?
 
Make cherry pi. (355/113 = 3.14)

If a millionaire sits on his gold, who sits on silver?

The Lone Ranger

What is an Australian bear's favorite drink? 

Coca-Koala.

Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. 

But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, he usually wears a three pea suit.

I was in the elevator one day with another fellow who was carrying a power strip. 

"How are you today?" I asked. 

He was upset, it turned out, over small troubles concerning his teenager. 

"Well," I told him, "at least you have an outlet."

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. 

The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" 

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now, let us spray!"

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be flying in there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

This weekend, while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.

“Danny,” I said going up to him, “I didn’t know you were a collector!”

“I’m not,” he replied.

“Oh,” I said, “You’re buying a gift, then.”

“No, not at all,” my friend responded.

“If you don’t mind my asking then, Danny,” I said, “Why are you standing in this line?”

“Oh that,” he answered. “It’s like this,” my friend stated, “I’ve never been able to resist a barbie queue!”

Joey's wife was in labor with their first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Didn't, wouldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" asked Joey.

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so they were quite upset when one day the little dog died. 

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. 

The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!" 

Saint Peter replied "You can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" 

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night back at the pub, but Saint Peter would not change his mind. 

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. 

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. 

The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

Where does a ghost go on vacation? 

Mali-boo.