Why was the mummy so tense? 

He was all wound up.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
 
Cuz everyone was a goblin.

What is the difference between a sad ghost and a cow with a sore throat? 

One boos sadly, the other moos badly!

“Grandpa, do you mind if I play my new harmonica in here?” asked little Phil.

“Of course not, Phil. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

“What happened?” ask Phil. 

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”

“How about you?” 

“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. "And how are the American students, Donald?" she asked. 

"They’re so noisy," he complained. "One neighbor endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night." 

"How do you put up with it?" 

"I just ignore them and play my bagpipes."

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair – and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

Dad thought about that for a moment and then replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”

During a science lesson, the second grade teacher picked up a magnet and said to her class, "My name begins with the letter M, and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy answered, "You're a mommy."

In what legal venue would a rabbit seek to settle a dispute over where it is allowed to eat or defecate?

A Pellet Court.

A young woman, who was forever going on diets to no avail, was sure that her latest plan would result in a quick loss of many pounds, but her mother was far less confident, pending the actual outcome. 

Her mother’s attitude?

Wait. Watch Her.

What direction does a sneeze travel? 

Atchoo!

When fish in China have difficulty spawning, the fertility clinic makes them watch and listen to an educational videotape.

This is known as Audio Fishual in Salmon Asian.

What did the Boy Scout say when he fixed the horn on his bicycle?

Beep repaired.

Why did Frankie Avalon refuse to walk a tightrope in his last beach movie?

He was afraid to work without Annette.

Bert: Do you want any ice cream, Ernie?

Ernie: Sherbert.

The brash, amateur magician said he could easily do the 'Catch the Bullet Between His Teeth' trick.

That's the first and last time he'll shoot his mouth off.