A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.  

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. 

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. 

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. 

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE. 

"Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" 

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." 

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. 

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. 

"Exactly," replied the instructor. 

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, would you pick up that pen for me?"

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

What is a cat's favorite book? 

The Prince and the Paw-purr.

What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? 

 

A candy baa.

What has antlers and sucks blood? 

 

A moose-quito!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?

The Codfather.

What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?

Lonely.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? 

It’s two gross.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

What do pandas have that no other animal has?
 
Baby pandas!

Joey swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. 

Doctors said the problem will work itself out, just not in so many words.

Carlos was making one of his frequent visits to the Convent San Tanco in his town of San Juan. He was raised by the sisters there when left an orphan and he still enjoyed the company of the sisters, and it renewed his faith a bit to watch them in their devotions. Today he was giving Captain Gaspar Fomento, the local constable, a ride to the convent when he mentioned he needed to talk to the Mother Superior.

Carlos parked outside the convent and struck up a conversation with Sister Ana who was working in the garden while Captain Fomento went into the convent. While chatting with the novice he glanced up and saw a startling sight.

"What in the world is that, sister?" he asked, pointing skyward. Sister Ana looked up and saw what looked like a large white gull flying in the sky.

"Oh, it is only a bird," she replied.

"No, no! It is a person! Look closer!" Carlos demanded emphatically. Sister Ana looked again and gasped. It's Sister Bertrille! The tiny nun has once again had her cornette caught by the strong winds of San Tanco and has taken to the air, soaring on the updrafts. Sister Ana thought a moment and decided to tell Carlos the truth.

"Carlos, it is Sister Bertrille. She is something of a flying nun, you may say. She is so light that when the winds are strong enough she is lifted into the air for a time."

"But she is so high up! Won't she fall to her death?!" he exclaimed.

"I do not think so. She has gotten quite good at flying in her time here. Plus, God watches out for ones like her."

"Ah, that explains how she managed to get to the balcony at my casino that day when no one saw her come in!" he smiled. It was amazing, watching her swoop and soar through the air, one hand on her head holding her "wings" in place.

Carlos continued to marvel at the flying figure far above him. Soon Captain Fomento left the convent and returned to the car. Carlos was still craning his neck at the now tiny speck high in the sky, and so the captain looked up, too.

"What are you looking at, Ramirez?" he asked, squinting against the bright sun.

Carlos liked the small sister and was afraid of what the overly officious Fomento might do if he found out she was zooming through the air around the town. Fomento would probably jail her for flying without a license.

"Oh, nothing much," Carlos replied. "It's just a nun-identified flying object."