Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.

After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone. "Hello Sarge.”

"Yes.”

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?”

"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped.”

"Have you placed her under arrest?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet".

Why do candle trimmers work so few days per week?

They only work on wick-ends.

These two monkeys were chatting over a beer at the end of the day.

The first monkey said, "I heard you quit working for the man with the organ."

The second replied, "Yeah, every day it was the same old grind."

How does Batman's mother call him home for supper?

Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner, Batman!

This man went to his mechanic and complained that his car was always full of air bubbles and smelled like fish.

The mechanic crawled in and pulled out a guy wearing a wetsuit and a scuba mask.

"I think I've found your problem," said the mechanic. "You have a backseat diver."

What do you do with a green elephant?

Leave it on the tree to ripen.

These two ducks are swimming in a pond.

The first one looks at the other and says, "Quack, quark!"

The second duck says, "That's amazing! I was just about to say that!"

What did the astronomer do when the telescope failed? 

He looked into it.

How does a panda cook?

With a pan, duh.

What goes ooo ooo ooo?

 A cow with no lips!

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. 

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. 

A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face."Holy cow! What's that smell?" 

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" 

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

What animal can jump higher than a house? 

Any animal — a house can't jump.

Why did the lobster cross the road?

To get to the other tide.

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

How do Viking spies communicate?

Norse code.