Why don't crabs ever give to charity? 

Because they're shellfish.

What do you call a big pile of kittens? 

A meowntain.

What is the biggest mouse in the world?

Enormous.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but she changes it into a toad.

I just discovered I have superpowers. 

I can actually melt ice cubes by staring at them. 

It takes me quite a long time though.

What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.

What did the magician do when he got stressed?

He pulled out his hare.

A horse walks into a bar. 

The bartender says, "Hey." 

The horse says, "Sure."

What do hillbillies drink out of?

Hiccups.

What do you do when there's a sink standing outside your door?

You let that sink in.

Knock, knock.

Who's there.

I eat mop.

I eat mop who?

ಠ_ಠ

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

Sue was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 

"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. 

One prospective juror, Dan, was called for his question session. 

He was asked, "Property holder?" 

Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor." 

Then he was asked, "Married or single?" 

Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor." 

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?" 

Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Walter and Fred soon completed the enlarging ray and Dr. Stein was returned to normal. However, the two hookers filed a complaint with the police about their attempted abduction and the pair of scientists were arrested. Fred managed to get off with a technicality but Stein was convicted and sentenced to seven years in prison. During the trial the two of them began working furiously to complete a new invention. Dr. Stein was incarcerated as scheduled, but what the prison warden didn't know was the radio that he was allowed to bring in with him was actually a portable time machine! Once in his cell, Stein set the dial for seven years into the future and vanished. To him, mere moments passed until he found himself back in his cell, but to the rest of the world seven years had passed! The guards found him in his original cell (which was also housing another prisoner) and he was brought to the warden. Stein explained what he had done and that he was ready to be released since his time was up. The warden argued that since he had not been in the prison for seven years he still had time left to serve. 

Soon the matter went to court. Stein's lawyer pointed out that the wording of the sentence was that his client would be "removed from society" for the period of time of the sentence. The state's attorney argued that the point of prison was to give the felon time to mull over his poor decisions and be reformed. The judge listened to both sides and returned a decision: Stein had fulfilled the terms of his conviction since there was never any language that said he had to stay in prison, only to be sequestered away from society, which he was. Stein was overjoyed, and the next day the headlines read, "A Niche in Time Saves Stein."