Why are so many pool players deaf? 

They clean their ears with cue tips!

What do you give to someone that has everything?

A burglar alarm.

On a beautiful Summer's day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and said, "Dad, why are we here?"

"That's a good question, son. I think we're here to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes.

We're here to savor the small triumphs of life - passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for the home team. And we're here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone.

Does that answer your question, son?"

"Not really, Dad."

"No?"

"No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up over an hour ago?"

Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. 

Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan Kenobi deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts.

All this is done with consummate ease you’d expect from a Jedi Master.

Anyway, poor old Luke Skywalker is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. 

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, “Use the forks, Luke.”

A man went to his local gym to ask about yoga classes for beginners. 

The instructor asked, “How flexible are you?”

“Well,” the man replied. “I can’t do Wednesdays.”

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” 

All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. 

Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. 

Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” 

The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

"Doctor, Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in two places!"

"Well, don’t go back to those places anymore."

What do you call a cheer leading dog? 

A “pom-pomeranian!”

What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair?

You rock to the beat.

What do you give a person with water on the brain? 

A tap on the head.

How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny? 

By hare mail!

What does the Easter bunny get for making a basket?

Two points, unless it was made from beyond the three-point line.

What's musical and handy in a supermarket? 

A Chopin Liszt.

Why isn't whispering permitted in class? 

Because it's not aloud.

 What is copper nitrate?

 Overtime for policemen.