Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" 

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? 

He was sitting on the deck.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Nadia.

Nadia who?

Nadia head if you understand the question.

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. 

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. 

"Are you hurt?" he asked. 

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

A lady placed an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."

The next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Why are fish salesmen greedy? 

Their business makes them sel-fish.

How many skunks does it take to stink up the neighborhood?

Just a phew.

What do you put in an urban garden to watch over your beets? 

A metrognome.

The bad, ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive.

Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons, the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming.

She waited day and night, looking out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her.

However, every knight was scared away by her dress which was very ugly.

She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered,

"See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in dis dress!"

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. 

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." 

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" 

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

What did the mama tire and the papa tire name their baby girl tire? 

Michelle Lynn.

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being discharged.

As it so happened, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator. 

On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him. 

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

What’s with all these Harry Potter jokes? 

I mean, Siriusly.

What did the house wear to the party?

Address.

What moisturizer do bullfighters use? 

Olay.