The young grandson called his grandpa to wish him a happy birthday. 

He asked his grandpa how old he was and was told, "62."

He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. 

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?" 

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. 

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. 

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" 

"Yes!" shouts the woman. "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

The two men pushed through the half-open door and stepped out of the foggy London streets and into the brightly-lit entryway of the silent house. There was no indication of a struggle. Everything was neat and in its proper place. They moved silently down the hall, scrutinizing the sitting room, the dining room and the office. Nothing caught the eye of the great detective.

At last they came to the darkened kitchen. Not a sound was heard except a horse and carriage moving past the window at the far end of the room. Light from a gas lamp outside that window poured into a rectangle in the middle of the floor. There it was, perfectly placed in the middle of the yellow box of light: an overturned box of cornstarch. 

"Aha, Watson," said Holmes, "the plot thickens."

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." 

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse?

An horse.

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
 
Hailing a taxi!

The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. 

The doctor cries, "Oh my God, how did that happen?"

The frog answered, "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my butt."

NASA has launched a small group of cows into orbit to study the effect of gravity on milk production.

Newscasts have confirmed that this will be the first herd shot around the world.

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. 

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge. 

The usher became more impatient. 

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned. 

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. 

Finally they summoned the police. 

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" 

"Fred," the old man moaned. 

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

“Now do you understand?” he asked.

“I think so,” she said, “is that when mommy came to work for us?”

"I just got an expensive, state-of-the-art hearing aid," said Bart.

"Congratulations!" Marty exclaimed. "What kind is it?"

"About a quarter to three."

What should you do if your boat is sick?

Take it to the doc.

What do you call George Washington's false teeth?

Presidentures.

A student wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he gets a part-time job down at the morgue after class so he can practice a little.

He uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls the cork out jumps back when music suddenly starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says and pulls the cork out again.

"... On the road again .. . "

The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the student asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor. "Any asshole can sing country music!"