I was watching the Chicago Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. 

I thought, "This could be interesting."

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher,

"What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
 
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

This is a guaranteed get rich quick scheme.

Caution: This is not for the clumsy.....

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A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "Go over to the window and stick your tongue out."

The man says, "Why?"

The doctor says, " I don't like my neighbors."

The pediatric nurse had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, she entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. "No, no, no," screamed Lizzie!

"Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior."

With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you, no, thank you, no, thank you!"

An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my Lord!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Susan’s dishwasher breaks down so she calls a repairman.

Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I mean it. Don't talk to my parrot."

When the repairman arrives at Susan's house the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replies, "Get him, Spike!"

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After 30 minutes of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days..."?

The husband couldn’t believe his luck, he looked up, smiled and said, “That would suit me just fine”!!

Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector--not wanting to get a toe blown off--started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels, which never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are lessons here:

-Never be arrogant.

-Don't waste ammunition.

-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.


I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

A rich young man meets young, beautiful girl. After drinks, he took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was quite well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred port or sherry.

She said, "Oh, sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the cork is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole body begins to glow. The music of a thousand softly playing violins fills my ears and I am transported with this elixir to the make believe world of magic".

"On the other hand, port makes me fart".

My grandson's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 each.

"Nuts to this", I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

Our dog kept chasing people on a bike.

So we took his bike away from him.

Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day.

So we gave him his bike back.

Because his bark was worse than his bike.

What do you call a bald teddy? 

Fred bear!

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. 

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

 
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2015. We have microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

 
Jon says, "Well, Doc, I tried, but I just couldn't pick 'em up!

The baby pigeon complained to his mother before flying a long distance, "I can't make it, I'll get too tired."

His mother replied, "Don't worry, I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" cooed the mother sympathetically.

"I don't want to end up being pigeon towed."