A woman was arrested for shop lifting. 

When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” 

She replied, “A can of peaches.” 

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. 

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied five.

The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.” 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

Some years ago, there was a man by the name of Leroy Walter Macaulay, or Lee Wally, as he was known by friends and family, that lived in the mountains of North Carolina, in a clearing just outside of Highlands, North Carolina. He lived in that clearing with his wife, Mary Sue, and his son, Cane. Lee Wally made his living making bootleg liquor, more commonly known as moonshine, in the still of the night, while his wife spent most of her time raising Cane.

Now Lee Wally had a habit that drove everyone to distraction. He carried paper and pencil with him at all times, and he used them to draw aimlessly throughout the day. He drew small designs, circles, squares, zigzag lines, etc. He not only drew when he was relaxing, he also scribbled when he was talking with his neighbors and his family. In short, Lee Wally had a compulsion to draw, and he could not stop.

Now Mary Sue had long since come to terms with Lee Wally’s addiction to scribbling, and the neighbors also had learned to ignore it. Cane, on the other hand, was bothered by his father’s compulsion. It nearly drove him crazy. 

He just could not stand to watch his pa, Lee Wally, doodle all the day.

Did you hear they found new evidence of the missing link? 

Hopefully it’s not just another fossil arm.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." 

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

When does a tomato have a smell? 

When it's a Roma!

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? 

"Aye Matey!"

What do you get when you cross a flower with a pickle? 

A daffodill.

How did the ancient Romans communicate with their hogs?

Pig Latin.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? 

Newlywebbed.

How do you stop a werewolf from chasing you?

Throw a stick and say fetch!

What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor?  

Veinilla.

What did the guy say when he saw a naked ghost?

No sheet!

What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party? 

No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? 

All the goo has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

What happened to the guy who couldn't make his payments to his exorcist?

He was repossessed.