And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." 

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

When does a tomato have a smell? 

When it's a Roma!

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? 

"Aye Matey!"

What do you get when you cross a flower with a pickle? 

A daffodill.

How did the ancient Romans communicate with their hogs?

Pig Latin.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? 

Newlywebbed.

How do you stop a werewolf from chasing you?

Throw a stick and say fetch!

What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor?  

Veinilla.

What did the guy say when he saw a naked ghost?

No sheet!

What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party? 

No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? 

All the goo has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

What happened to the guy who couldn't make his payments to his exorcist?

He was repossessed.

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with? 

The girl necks door.

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" 

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was the geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Recently the first draft of the Book of Genesis was discovered. 

It begins:

"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. 

And God said, 'Let there be light.' 

And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry."