William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia - who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, "Big Bill" was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their achievements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn's aunts.

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.

The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.

At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of colored bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.

He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"

A group of astronauts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronauts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad. After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? 

One, but he needs to give it a good twist at the end.

Dr. Watson arrives at 221B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front in an overall, applying a pale yellow gloss to the front door.

"Holmes, why yellow?" cries the stupefied Watson.

"A lemon entry, my dear Watson."

A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano."

Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" 

Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. 

"First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

On her 40th birthday a wife waltzed out of the bedroom dressed in an old outfit that she dug out of the back of the closet. 

"I wore this on my 30th birthday! I guess that means my wardrobe is ten years old," she said to her husband, hoping he'd take the hint and buy her some new clothes as a present. 

"Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were 30 you had the body of a 40-year-old." 

(He is expected to be discharged from the hospital next week but he will always walk with a limp).

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. 

His response was, "Yes, Sir!" 

Since he was talking to his mother, she was surprised he'd called her "Sir". 

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. 

To quiz him on this lesson she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" 

"Yes Sir!" was the reply. 

"Then what would you say to Mama?" 

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?" 

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

The 5-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for his uncle's golf game. 

"You have to count my strokes," his uncle told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"

"Five." answered the nephew. 

"Okay," the uncle said, "let's go."

An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" 

She didn't answer. 

He walked up closer and asked again. 

But there was no answer. 

Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "For the third time, yes!!!"

What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?

One howls on the prairie; the other prowls on the hairy.

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? 

She's got that down in the mouth look!

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. 

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." 

The son pointed out, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."