What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?

The purrpatrator.

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. 

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. 

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

During a science class on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation, the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate liquid stage. He gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a car's windshield to form ice. 

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was expecting "dry ice" as the answer. 

One of the students blurted out, "Burritos."

Aunt Nellie and her nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in Aunt Nellie's garden. 

Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his aunt. 

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," Nellie said. "He's not an earthworm." 

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. 

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" 

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." 

"You sell them here?" the customer asks. 

"Only $4 apiece," says Green. 

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. 

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. 

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" 

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

What do you call a space magician? 

 A flying saucerer.

What did the windmill say when she met her favorite movie star?

"Nice to meet you. I'm a BIG FAN!"

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now, class,” she said, “what shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a new boy friend?” a kid replied.

What do frogs drink?

Croak-A-Cola.

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?

Something catchy!

When is the best time to take a bath?

Eight-dirty.

What do you call an anonymous pizza?

John Dough!

A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was. 

"Hoss." said Willie. 

"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam." 

"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. 

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?" 

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" 

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" 

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" 

"No way. It's just too risky!" 

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!" 

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!" 

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't." 

"Pleeeeease?..." 

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"