Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor. 

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed. 

"How did he break it, Emily?" 

"I hit him over the head with it."

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. 

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" 

"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"

Two guys are driving along an outback road and then they drive into this small country town, driving past the local town hall they notice that there is a B&S (bachelor and spinster) ball on. 

Deciding that they'd like to go in and try their luck with the local ladies they parked their car a few blocks away and then had a look to see what they had in the way of formal clothes in their bags. They both manage to find a pair of half decent black pants, black shoes and a white shirt. 

There was a problem though as only one of the guys had brought a bow tie, all be it a little beaten up it would still do. Not really having any other options they decided to try and get past the bouncers with one of the guys missing a bow tie. 

They went up to the door and immediately the bouncer stopped them and said "No mate you can't go in... you need a bow tie," and then told them to get lost. 

They then went back to the car and tried to find something that they could use a as a bow tie. After much looking they tried using a jumper lead for the car, wrapping it around the guy's neck and making a bow out of it. 

They then proceeded back to the hall and approached the same bouncer, this time he said "Ohh, I don't know if can let you in dressed like that," to which the guy wearing the jumper lead as a bow tie said "Come on, I am only in town for the night and we are just looking for a good time," and then the bouncer said "OK...I'll let you in....just don't START anything."

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. 

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. 

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" 

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

  Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning with, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." 

  There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her. 

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing." 

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied. 

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed. 

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." 

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk. 

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. 

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

The traffic officer stopped the woman. "Here's my driver's license and picture," she said.

 
"You know something," replied the policeman. "This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have the photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face." 

"Sir," she replied, "you are looking at my thumb print."

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

  She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

  Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. 

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. 

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

Last summer, Tony and his wife met a couple, who were friends of his wife, at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping and Tony invited the man to go sailing. While they were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and they were down wind trying to work their way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and they had to climb overboard and shove with all their might to get it back in deep water. 

As Tony's new friend, Mike, stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at Tony, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping."

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!" 

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

The balding middle-aged man asked his barber, "Why do I have to pay full price for a haircut -- there's so little of it." 

"Well," said the barber, "actually I only charge a little for cutting it. What you're paying for mostly is my time searching for it."

Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?" 

"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"