Why did Cinderella fail at basketball?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? 

It wanted to get to the bottom.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? 

Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. 

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" 

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. 

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" 

"Nine..."

Why is basketball considered a messy sport?  

 

Because the players dribble on the floor!

Did you hear about the monster with five legs? 

 

His pants fit him like a glove.

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Did you ever hear about the movie "Constipation"? 

 

It never came out....

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? 

 

A Yamahahaha.

Why are pirates called pirates? 

'Cause they arrrrr.

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his hometown, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. 

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he broke wind stentorously.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall! He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again. 

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?" 

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." 

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. 

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return." 

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, but one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." 

"Was it a long time ago?" 

"Yes, many years." 

The clerk asked, "Was it before, or after the Epstein Fart?"

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?  

 

A thesaurus.

Where do bees go to the bathroom? 

 

At the BP station!

What do you call a fake noodle? 

 

An Impasta.