Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?

He sat in his own pew.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner....

A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant. 

The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. 

After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” 

The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Henrietta.

Henrietta who?

Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

A teacher said to her student, "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, Billy answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

The world’s worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice for an upcoming concert. Half way through the first act he was directing with wild abandon when, out of his hand, his baton flew and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player instantly killing her. 

The police arrive shortly after and ruled the case as an accident. 

The following week at practice, he again was caught up in the music of the second act and out of his hand flew the baton, which this time struck a flute player in the eye instantly killing her. 

The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident. 

The following week at practice the conductor again got lost in the moment of the music of the third act and out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting a trumpet player in the eye and killing him instantly. 

After the police arrived they could not believe that this was an accident after the third death, and the conductor was arrested. 

The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the chair operator threw the switch, nothing happened. 

Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. 

The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the chair operator explain what the problem was, to which the chair operator explained, "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor.

What does a bee sit on?

His behind.

What do you call a smart duck?

A wise quacker.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two. The hard part is getting them into the lightbulb.

A three year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. 

When they returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. 

"How did you know?" his mother asked. 

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur. 

The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.

"Yep," replies the rain-forest native. 

"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?" 

"With my club," the primitive fellow answered. 

"How big is your club?" 

"Well, there are about 100 of us."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" 

He said, "Call for backup."

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? 

They're married.

Tom decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

A teacher was reading the story of The Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather building materials for his home. She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "Well I'll be damned! A talking pig!"