It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Visiting a genealogist, a man asked how much it would cost to have his family tree traced. 

“It could cost thousands of dollars,” said the woman. 

“I see. Well, isn’t there an easier way? A less expensive way?” 

“Sure,” she replied. “Run for president.”

Why was the cat wearing a tuxedo?

He was going to the hare ball!

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” 

He further addressed the crowd, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” 

Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?”

What game encourages drinking and driving? 

Golf.

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show.

After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, “How’d you do that?”

“I could tell you, sir,” the magician answered, “but then I’d have to kill you.”

After a short pause, the man yelled back, “Okay, then… just tell my wife.”

Herds of elephants from all over Africa were summoned to a meeting in the jungle, as their national leader took his place on the stage, one of the African elephants trumpeted impatiently, “Come on, tell us what this is all about. We’re all ears.”

A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony. 

The history professor asked, “Have you read Marx? 

The psychology professor replied, “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”

On his 76th birthday, Jerry got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

 

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

 

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

 

Jerry was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he became the manliest of all men.

 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Two fonts, Arial and Calibri, were in the midst of a bad breakup. 

Calibri said, "I'm sorry, you're personality is too bold." 

Arial responded, "You're just not my type...."

Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake, and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of her town, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

What color is a belch?

Burple.

If two collars had a race, how would it end? 

In a tie!

What is a parasite? 

Something you see in Paris.

Whats green and fluffy and comes from Mars?  

A Martian-mellow.