A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man blurted out.

“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. 

“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

What word is always spelt incorrectly? 

Incorrectly.

Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards? 

The stamps kept falling off the rocks.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing!" said the woman, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.

"Well," they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Nana.

Nana who?

Nana your business.

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?

He wanted some arr and arr.

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. 

 “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one hundred thousand dollars” said the man. 

 “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” 

 “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” 

“So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” asked the bartender. 

 “This month – so far – not a cent.”

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boy friend?” Paul replied.

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. 

 

 “How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded.

“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied.

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.

“Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?”

“Right,” Mark extemporized. “That, madam, is my nightcap.”

What's the opposite of a somersault?

A winter pepper.

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.

“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”

“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?"

“I was making a bolt for the door!”

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. 

 He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."