What do animals read in zoos?

Gnus papers.

“I’d like some really tight jeans.”

“Certainly, sir. Will you walk this way?”

“If they’re as tight as yours, I’ll probably have to.”

This grasshopper walks into a bar. 

The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" 

The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

All the merry men and Maid Marion gathered around Robin Hood's deathbed, waiting for the inevitable end. 

Manfully, heroically, Robin struggled up and said "Friar Tuck, bring me my long bow. I will fire an arrow out the window and wherever it lands, that is where you will bury me." 

Deeply moved, they placed a long bow in his trembling fingers, propped him up and faced him towards Sherwood Forest. 

And with an immense effort, Robin aimed and fired. 

And so it came to pass that they buried him on top of the outhouse.

"Am I a fish or an egg?" asks the salmon's progeny. 

Answers its mother, "Roe, roe, roe, you're both."

This farmer picks up a hitch hiker. 

The guy is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "What's in the bag?" 

The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife." 

The hitch hiker thinks for a second and says, "Mmm, good trade."

Why do dogs make such poor gamblers?

When they get a good hand at poker, they wag their tails.

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him, Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and pours two drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and it quickly goes limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with two frogs in its mouth.

What is the primary ingredient in bagels and doughnuts?

Hole wheat flour.

Michelle received a voice mail message yesterday from her doctor letting her know the results from a test she had last week. 

He said "I'm afraid to tell you, Michelle, but you have contracted a rare Canarial disorder. It's known as "Chirpies" and is untweetable!"

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. 

“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” 

“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” 

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. 

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

What did one casket say to the other casket?
 
"Is that you coughin'?"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. 

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"