A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere." 

 

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied. 

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. 

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. 

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" 

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”.

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Why did the hero flush the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. 

"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. 

"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" 

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. 

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

At this wedding, there was a child that walked down the aisle and every two steps he stopped, put his hands up in the air like claws, and gave a little roar. 

 

So it kept going. Step Step Roar, Step Step Roar. 

 

When he finally got to the altar the guests were in tears, laughing. 

 

When asked why he was doing this he said, “I was the ring bear!"

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows; it’s never been done.

A man is being interviewed for a job. 

“What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” 

“The slightest noise wakes me up.”

"How was your game today?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. 

"Do you see it?" asked Jack. 

"Yup," Scott answered. 

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 

"I forget."

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, the Pope, two giraffes and a duck, an old yellow dog, a farmer and his daughter, a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman and a redneck all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

As heard in the courtroom (part 3):

Attorney:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

As I was driving home one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. 

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. 

“We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered with a smile on his face. 

“Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.” 

“Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.”